For Father’s Day – the financial lessons I learned from my father
And how those lessons affect my financial, and life, decisions as an adult
Time to read: 10 minutes (my father deserves at least 10 minutes don’t you think?)
As Father's Day approaches, it's the perfect time to reflect on the profound influence our parents, particularly our fathers, have on our beliefs, values, and attitudes towards money. And, yes, I understand that most people don’t think about the financial lessons that their fathers teach them, but, as a financial advisor, I’m naturally inclined to explore the financial side of things.
Whether intentional or not, these influences shape how we think and feel about money, affecting our financial decisions and overall relationship with money throughout our lives.
Before I share these lessons from my father, I hope you’ll join me in thinking about the lessons you learned from your father or a father figure in your life:
How did your father's approach to money influence your own financial habits and decisions?
What is one thing you appreciate about your father’s mindset towards money and how has it shaped your own beliefs?
How do you plan to teach your children about money and financial responsibility, and how does this compare to your father’s approach?
Now, let’s dive in.
Money was kind of like Fight Club in our house
The first rule of Fight Club is: you don’t talk about Fight Club.
The first rule of money is: you don’t talk about money.
That’s not meant to be a negative comment towards my family. The truth is that most families didn’t (that was 30 +/- years ago), and still don’t, talk about money. At home, at work, or in society at large, money remains a taboo topic.
Yet while we didn’t talk about money, there were plenty of lessons to learn. How your family talked about it – are they confident and calm or are they stressed and worried – and how your parents used money will influence how you think, feel and act with it and around it.
And while there are lessons that we remember, many of the beliefs, values and attitudes we have around money were formed before we were 7. What this tells me is that truly understanding our money mindset (the psychology of money) requires more than just a surface level reflection of things we saw. We need to go a layer deeper and explore the emotional side of money. That’s where lasting, meaningful change can be found.
For me, the most valuable lessons I learned from my father weren’t obvious in the moment, but, as I look back at the time I spent with my father, there are a few powerful lessons I unearthed and I want to share them with you.
Maybe you’ll have a similar memory or experience or maybe it will help you think through some beliefs or stories that you still hold around money. Either way, I hope you find at least one “aha” moment that can help you improve the way you think about money.
Being more intentional with money – a values based approach
As a financial planner, I have been trained to be technically proficient. I was taught that we should ask our clients about their financial goals and then help them devise the optimal strategies to achieve them. And while I still believe this to be a part of the financial planning process, it’s only partly right.
In my twenty years as a financial planner, I have learned that the “why” behind the goals are often more important.
Saving for an appropriate emergency fund is really about feeling financially secure.
Saving for retirement is really about creating financial freedom.
Saving for an education is really about creating greater opportunities for our children.
Often, our financial goals and actions stem from deeper beliefs and values that we developed over our lifetimes. In some cases, our financial decisions become reflections of our identities – who we are or who we want to be.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my father was teaching me a very powerful lesson about using money to support something he valued deeply – a quality education.
My brother and I had the opportunity, and privilege, to attend an excellent private school from kindergarten through 12th grade. My father paid for this education. He lived in a modest house and never bought or drove a new car. These were the trade-offs he made so that he could afford an excellent education for his children.
My father valued an education. His goal was to pay for a private school education every year for both me and my brother. His plan and strategy required trade-offs so he could use his cash flow to send us to school (BTW, you couldn’t use education savings accounts or 529 plans to pay for a K-12 education back then. If you could have, I totally would call him out for poor planning!).
As a new father myself – my baby girl just turned 5 weeks old at the time of writing this – I find myself already thinking about, and worrying about, the life I want to give her. A quality education is at the top of that list. And, yes, I already set up two 529 plans – one for her K-12 education and one for college.
Some lessons become stories and even limiting beliefs
As I mentioned above, my father lived in a modest home. It made sense given that he traveled so much. He also always drove a company car, at least for as long as I could remember. They were never new cars either. I vividly remember his red Mercury Grand Marquis. I am still convinced that it was technically a boat on wheels.
Now, this was reinforced on my mother’s side as well. My mother and grandparents always drove their cars into the ground. A ten year old car would be considered relatively new in my family.
The difference was that my grandfather and my mother drove older cars due to financial necessity. My father chose to drive company cars even though they were generally used cars and older models. He chose to do this because he didn’t need or really want a new car and it made sense for him financially.
We never talked about why he made this decision. And, honestly, the type of car didn’t matter, but I have learned that this set of values left a lasting mark on me as an adult. Even when I had the money for a new car, I could never spend it on one. As a financial advisor, I could always justify this decision – buying a new car is one of the worst financial decisions you can make due to the immediate depreciation in value.
Now, real quick, I am not saying that buying a new car is a bad decision in general. People do it all the time. If you have the money, it fits into your overall plan, and it’s important to you, then go for it!
Ok, back to my belief about new vs used cars.
In reality what I was doing was making the decision based on emotions and beliefs that were established during my early and teenage years and justifying them with logic. The real story that I told myself was that you are supposed to drive older cars because we were a middle class family and that’s what families like ours did.
As I unraveled this as an adult, there’s a tangled web of emotions and limiting beliefs that lie beneath the surface. Deep down, buying a new car was in some way abandoning the identity that I established decades ago. I was also afraid to spend money on a new car because I was always worried, deep down, that I wasn’t worthy of a new car or that something would go wrong in my career and I wouldn’t be able to afford it.
This was never an issue in my 20s. Everyone pretty much drove older or used cars. But, in my 30s, as my friends became financially successful, I remained one of the few that kept driving 10+ year old cars. Until just last week, I was driving a car that was old enough to legally drink (i.e. it was 21 years old).
It wasn’t just a financial decision, it was pride – driving an older car and not spending money on a new car … became part of my identity.
At the age of 41, I had never bought a car. I had a leased car through a prior company (it was a perk for being a partner) but I mostly drove the hand-me-downs - the car my brother or grandparents used to drive. But just last week I bought a car. It’s a used car from 2020. I guess some lessons never die, but I’m still proud of this one.
Quick aside, after I bought the car my mother called my partner and asked, “Can he afford it?” My mother has a limiting belief around money because she, and my family, never had a lot of it. But her simple question of, “Can he afford it” has always stuck with me. Even when I can afford something, my subconscious mind still asks, “Can you afford it?”
Now, back to what my father taught me about spending money on things you value. Last year, my partner and I invested in solar panels. This year we invested in an electric car that can be powered via our solar panels. And, also, it’s safer for our growing family and has more space to accommodate our new lifestyle.
We both value supporting, even in small ways, the transition to clean, renewable energy sources.
The funny thing is that this almost never happened. While sitting at the dealership, I told my partner I couldn’t go through with the purchase. I told myself it was a foolish decision. I told myself I shouldn’t spend the money.
My partner helped me think through this. She helped me realize that I needed to make the decision from the point of view of the person I want to become and not from the point of view of the person I had been and the stories the old version of me wanted to keep retelling.
This bears repeating: She helped me realize that I needed to make the decision from the point of view of the person I want to become and not from the point of view of the person I had been and the stories the old version of me wanted to keep retelling.
Some stories and beliefs just need to evolve. That process can take time, but it’s important to reflect on them, to explore them, and to decide if they still serve the person you want to be or the life you want to live.
What stories or beliefs do you still carry with you today? And which ones might you need to examine a bit closer?
From lessons from my father to lessons I want to impart as a father
As I write this, I’m looking at my partner and five week old baby girl lying in bed. It’s amazing how these life events can give you the space you need to pause and reflect on what really matters. And, if we’re honest, we all think about money; a lot. It affects nearly every decision we make – from the endless wipes and diapers from Amazon to new (or used) cars to daycare and paying for an education. And, as a financial advisor, I think about money more than most so “meditations on money” are quite common for me.
In reality, they can sometimes reach the point of being slightly unhealthy. That’s something I am working through with my coach.
As an example, remember that used car? I had an absurd spreadsheet that mapped mileage, battery range, features, packages, CarFax reports and accidents, etc, etc, to make sure I was getting a fair value on the purchase. I even created a short equation to help me automatically calculate a fair value. Seriously Brent…get a life!
I often “over math” things (i.e. over think them financially) if that wasn’t already abundantly obvious.
My father taught me that money is a tool to be used wisely and purposefully. It's not just about accumulating wealth but about investing in things that truly matter and enrich our lives. His legacy of valuing an education and his ability to lean into the trade-offs he had to make to create this reality for his kids is something I will always carry with me.
While we never talked about money, my father shaped my approach to financial wellness, emphasizing that our financial decisions should align not just with more responsible financial goals but with the things we value.
The bottom line is that money matters, but to me it’s not what we have, it's what we do with it that matters.
For my daughter
I hope that I can teach my daughter that money, and achieving financial success, isn’t the goal. Money, in my humble opinion, is simply a tool. Used well, it has the power to create financial security, to create opportunities for the people you love, to give back in meaningful ways to your community, and to be an expression of your beliefs and values and the person you are or want to become.
So, to my daughter: Be kind. Have courage. Stand up for what’s right. Explore the world and find what you care about. And then figure out how money can play its most powerful role – as a tool to support the life you want to live. Money will never define you. You are perfect and beautiful just the way you are.
And, also, create a financial plan, spend less than you make, save and invest early, have appropriate insurance, create an estate plan … :-)
My financial planner brain is always on!
So, as we celebrate this Father's Day, I say thank you to my dad. For all the lessons, the support, and the unwavering belief that anything is possible.
Happy Father's Day, Grumpa (that’s our loving nickname for him and he’s going to kill me for writing it here!).
Cheers to health, wealth, and the good (financial) life,
Brent
P.S. In reflecting on your father's influence, what legacy do you hope to leave for your own children regarding money and life values?
You already know my answers, but I’d love to hear yours. Send me a note at brent@facet.com.